| So this is me... |
[May. 22nd, 2005|07:49 pm] |
I met a guy. I gave him my number maybe he'll call. Yeah i really don't know what else to say besides eerything is getting better, I loved how Malissa called me. I really do. Itt amazing i do love you girl. No one else reads my journal so i will continue to read about the stupid things in life..
My life consists of putting on a different pair of jeans every day and im running out of choices. Shall my revoution begin? I think it shall.
My flip flops are a revolution of moving on from the sneakers! ( I that wasn't obvious.)
I love my frewakin friends, and the one's don't talk to anymore, that's gay im starting my cycle again.
Back to the life at home... Well there is non anymore, but it's okay. I can't stand how my parents are being or for the fact that they aren't going to e around for my prom that only have one in a life time, but if they feel like being dumb, that's they're problem, i guess there just missing out.,
Yeah my grandma is being getting worse, i hate to say it but it sucks. i loe her so much i made up my mind that it's going to be so bad when she's finally gone.
\ what my real mom is so k8ick ass? yeah thats right i need to tlj to her more, i need hugs i need to give nmoire hugs i need to be more like me before i gave James another shot. unbelieveably he got to me again. :(
I love each and evry oe of you and let the music be everywhere
"Hope is the thing with feathers,
that persues in the soul,
and sings the tune without the words
and never stops at all"
Emily Dickinson
xoxoxo
Melinda |
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| welcome to my overpowering life. |
[May. 11th, 2005|07:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Im in a meh mood | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bear anf the big blue house | ] |
hello journal.. it has been a while hasen't it. I don't know... Everything is really messed up right now but if i could change it, you have no idea how much i would. Since I have been gone i have gotten a tattoo, my eyebrow is peirced, i wenbt out with james again which didn't work, ( he treated me like gold for a while)< then we found out his ex was pregenet he was holing on to something he shouldn't of been, courtney was up our asses, ans things just got really fucked up... i dunno what i was thinking. But when do i ever...
FIRst i go out with a guy with no emotion and confused
then i go out again with my first for it to crash and burn for a second time
no i am alone.. maybe this is the way i should be for a while.
I don't like feeling that everything is messed up i really don't... My grandma is getting really sick... shes on oxygen now and in and out of the hosital.. i live there now because my parents don't know how to treat me like an 18 year old.. I am really sick of beiung told when to eat when to go to bed and where i should fucking go in life...BACK THE FUCK OFF
I really don't care if im bering overdramatic i needa brink... i need to push away everythiung and focus on me... no one else... which is selfish but it's something i need to do.
Being a dog would be fun. I would totally dig laying around and getting my belly rubbed all day...
i don't talk to aaron anymore... if i was to talk to him he would proabaly talk about doing dumb things ( so i heard) hate life, need a hug and feeling confused about life in general... he's a cool kid,and i miss him but he's getting stupid, maybe its being away from him and hearing everything from the rumor flow at school, which fucks up everything... well not even two months, then everything will be over.. :)
Malissas coming home soon and i can't freakin wait!!!
All my friends are awesome and i have been closer to both my close friends more than ever now.
my real mom is going to be here for graduation im really excited..
prom bites... but ill go.. any hook ups? i don't think im "THAt much of a fucking bITCH" WHATEVER
i LOVE EVERYONE TOO MUCH FOR WORDS
xoxoxo
melinda |
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| overloading happiness |
[Mar. 24th, 2005|03:18 pm] |
Hey everyone I am in New Jersey right now. Wild, I know but i am having an awesome time. No kidding. I arrived here around 6 30 ojn the 1 8th and the fun hasn't stopped yet. It's so nice to get rid of everything for a little while. No offence to tyou people back home, but your drama drives me crazy. ( But i still love each and everyone of you)...
My real mom is so cool. Malissa, we have a lot to talk about dude. I was haoping to talk toy uo before i left, but oh well.
The food is good here and life is really fun. I lov eyou guys, i really just wanna chill
xoxoxo me |
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| 7 year old batteries.. |
[Mar. 2nd, 2005|08:56 pm] |
do they work? who knows...
With nothing left to write, I miss malissa, and I'm sorry for sounding like a physcopath in my journal about you Aaron. Nothing applies anymore.
Dan your cool,
Rachel, More literature the next passage
Reuben-..... I have nothing to say
Phil- What ever was wrong today, you can talk if you want :)
Kisses and caresses,
Kick ass in life
me |
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| scrambled or over easy |
[Feb. 28th, 2005|09:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | a brilliant song about the joys of toast | ] |
What kinda of life would you have? lol wierd way of thinking of it, i realize, but I'm feeling my life is going like this... You know when you get an egg and your like yeah i want an over easy egg, and you u put it in there just to realize that you want it scarmbled? yeah i know you have done that at least once boys and girls... But it's all good... I've been rambling about life and how you should have it be, but in the end, it stil get's scrambled.
I have reached the age where every move matters.. A lot of the times, i feel people wait pateiently for mistakes. But I don't care.. I love who i am. Inside. I will fall. I don't know how or when or why but i will, and yes, I will have the people who will always look down on me and think I told you so because your not good enugh, but there are more people willing to reach a hand out, kiss my forehead and brush off the wounds. If you open your eyes and your brain isn't peaceful, go back to sleep, because your gonna be a bitch even before you put your feet on the floor.
Oh everything is scattetred all over the place.. I apoligize for not making any sense tonight
* oh and I'm definately missing you and not seeing the stars. :(
well my wisdom is tired and needs a nap... kisses and caresses to you.
"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind"
~Christian LArson
prendre le ballon!!! ( have a ball)
lol I'm just writing some of my twisted ideas down unorganizedly... ( If thats a word)
Oh and I'm never drinking juice again!!!! lol
xoxoxo,
moi |
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| Making a statement |
[Feb. 27th, 2005|08:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  refreshed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the Deaps or something | ] |
Malissa Johnson, i think we are well off our due of talking, and i don't like it!! Darlin! You don't call me anymore!!!
So new Jersey. It is indeed coming up. And i won't lie, i am definately looking forward to it. a new scene away from all this drama... you wanna know what i really want to stress? Living with no regrets. Indeedly so. my friends mom was telling me about it, and the more she talked, the more it made sense. You don't want to wake up one morning staring at your ceiling one day and wonder what would happen if things were different. Live life by beauty. You wanna know the funny thing? she's actually happy procrastonaters. SO think to yourself, while your lying in that bed tonight, what r your regrets? if you can't think of any, keep it that way. I wanna be more like you. I just know that i'm gonna stop procrastonating and I'm gonna stop from holding back the beauty of chance. whether it be something that i feel i can't do, or soemthing that i foced myself to shove away in my head. And I think i'll be happier. I definately think I'm going to transform into someone beautiful with this philosophy on life, and it couldn't happen at a better time. so to the people that think that I'm actually fragile( If your worried)... Think again. I'm not an eggshell... I'm actually making things make sense in my brain. My real mom, relationships, whatever..
anyways, so i wanna see the Notebook. yes, yes sounds indeedly fun. my real mom and I were going to watch it but she already watched it so i have to see it now? ANy volenteers? lol
with a kiss and a caress, i love each and everyone of you, beautiful tadpoles of life..Kick ass in life!
xoxoxo,
Moi
" Our attitude towards life determines life's attitudes towards us."
~Earl Nightingale |
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| ::sigh:: |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|09:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | dorky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ALKALINE TRIO, ONE MAN ARMY | ] |
Hey journal. i think i had a pretty good freakin weekend boys and girls. Friday was jacquie. We have such a freakin blastin good time, and now i th ink i can beat anyone with speed... (after i played a couple practice games of course). and we eat food. Lots of food... And that needs to stop.. I have been feeling sickly self consious lately and i don't kn ow where it's coming from.. Oh well, nothing a little bit of running and cutting back on the BK and i'll be fine.... I went and saw a movie that made me cry my freakin eyes out!!! Million dollar baby, go see it... but then again your also reading a journal who's writer cried during the Lion King, so your call man.
Then i went bowling with ashley and we thought it would be cool if we hooked our friends up, which i thought was pretty cool... so yeah i guess we'll see with that... whatever...
lets se then i spent and hour and a half at hott topic with 36$ Gift card and i found nothing at all interesting inthat store for me, i honestly feel like i have moved on from that scene...
25 days till my destinatation and my first plane ride..... Ah! I'm nervous... I'm thinking a cute outfit with a big ol smile, :)
Other than that reltionships suck, skanks have all the men...lol
"something just appeared on my screen, it was bald, scary and looked like mom.."
me |
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| snot rockets. |
[Feb. 16th, 2005|04:08 pm] |
I love it when int he beginning of the day it's completely shitty outside and by the time youyr outta school, it's amazing. LAtely i have been wanting to tell the growing population of my live journal readers about the weather... alothough most of you live within a 5 minute radius of my house...
My brain and creativity feels like it is going into explode mode... ( if that makes sense) i suddenly got an urge to like fly a plane or chnage the weather... ( metaphoricly)
philip my sexy lover, we had so much fun over at your house....spooning and such it was unbelievable....
my friend jacquie i miss like ad. I don't see her that much anymore and i hate that i really do. Everything that i ever wanted in a friend is smack right there!... ( along with all the rest of my kick ass friends :) ) but anyways for some reason i just wish ther was a breaking point or a spell to mmake everyone numb for a few seconds...make them look around and realize the reality of it all. not many people dot hat until it's too late... No examples, because i don't have any, I just someties find myself growing away from old friends, i need to be numb.
My hair needs to grow but i can not part
SO yeah to sum it up in a nutshell i want my hair to grow, but i don't want it looking like this! I suppose it's because i have no one to impress int he first place is the reason why,... im not so concerned as the rest of my fellow femlaes with dates are, but it's enough to get me somewhat annoyed.
*sighz* with nothing left to say i am here ot wish everyone a safe and wonderful night
xoxoxoxoxo,
mo linda (bitch) |
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| puddle love... |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|08:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the music in my head | ] |
Has anyone noticed how unbeleievably flooded it is here? of course you do! lol *sighz* yeah , its flooded..
Hey, um Malissa? I freakin love you? what? bunches bunches and tons more of bunches... *sighs again* until we meet again my love...lol
So here's my story for today... The next time your in a crowded room, do the unthinkable... Look up at the ceiling stare at nothing and make something of it.. People look and their stupidity will crack you up.
So valentines day i definately got flowers, from a very sexy guy named Philip>? xoxoxo right back atcha. :)I deeply apprieated it.
Well othert han that nothing else is going on... My friend Tom moved back from Cali. and he like lives right across the street from the firehall... what malissa? what? tom? near us? i can't wait for you to come home...lol im just playin...lol
well peace easy u until we meet agian
xoxox love to all my people!
melinda
( do you know even on a good day i spell my OWN name wrong at least once ont his thing? lol) |
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| comin' back with power! |
[Feb. 13th, 2005|07:08 pm] |
hey !!! Today is the day i told my parents about my details of New Jersey? Are they mad? I think so? Do i care? Yeah i do, the fighting and the bickering is so sickning, i don't want to deal with it anymore! Everyone needs to chill the fuck out. I'm going. They don't like it, yes i did leave them int he dark, because i knew that they were gonna get weird. Is that my fault? no its been 18 years! I'm older, wiser and i understand a hell of a lot more shit then they think i do, im njt staying there, im coming back, so let me soar!!!
( they make my eyes water )
Moving on, yeah winterfest definately didn't happen. But thats okay because me and jacquie hung out and had a freakin ball! We picked up Aaron and cruised and he gave me gas money and we cruised and then me and jacquie just chilled and wacthed bluye collar.. lol oh my! Friebnds are so fun! And it was just us!
I'm turning intot his person that isn't really ocncerned about everything to the extent i used to be. I guess thats a good thing. Relationships are a downer, but you pick yourself up, valentines day sucks, but im still going to school... You live and you learn, im done. I'm so totally done with trying to please evryones life every minute, im gonna be me!!! and if you don't like it tough toenails! Because there is going to someone who is going to fall head over feet, but until then enjoy life, because life's too short to be watseing my time on stupid "confused" boys, or stupid little former loves that take drugs or are stuck on ex girlfriends, or just smell like shit.! Enjoy company with you frinds, cuddle with the comfort! I love everyone! Take it in.
"I don't want To be the sweeper of the eggshells you walk upon..."
" I don't want to be the glue thats holds your pieces together..."
hugs and a lot of fuckin kisses
mel |
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| Howdy! |
[Feb. 8th, 2005|08:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | !!!!!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Thursday | ] |
Hello! Today is a happy Tuesday. So yes this is me, explaining to my journal my life so far. Of course i have friends to tell which i have with no doubt, but Malissa, we don't talk a lot so this is the one thing you can read to get you caught up on life back in America
I found out that a close friend has a crush on a girl ( which is cool) there's nothing against girl liking girl, i don't have a problem with it anyways, but it seems to me, that everyoe around here is changing their sexual preferences...lol If you can believe it..lol I'm still straight.lol
Let's see, school is still good, I went down a point in my average but it's all gravy, i still have an 87. so yeah... I have my truck ont he road so whenever its sunny i can drive.. But god forbid if it snows or rains... iw as coming ohome from my grandmas house and it was supposed to rain ( mind you it didn't rain) and my mom told me if it rained, come straight home, it could freeze and i could crash and gte killed..." Melinda, if you see one drop of rain pull over! Call triple A and they'll give youa ride h ome.." ah, i guess you just gotta love her lol.
I have so much makeuop on its gross, equipped with blush eyeliner the way i used to wear it in the summer, and enough eye chadow to keep my eye lids from opening.
Me and James hung out on Saturday. Tame yourself, t wasn't bad. Just friends nothing else ever. COurtney and him are very involved. Yeah i did just come froma crash and burn relationship with AAron but it's okay, i just want to get to the point of where it's not weird if me and him talk with any awkwardness, and it was really neat, imiss hangin out with him as friends of course.. We laughed the whole time and this weekend he wants to go bowling. I just want to be friends.. I have worse friends...
As for my relaionship status, its definately beat. HArdcore, but i duid get asked out to wiwnterfest.... MAtt Cranston, which he is a good kid, but i don't know..... if i want to go with him.... I kinda wanna go with friends... but here's the downer, i already told him yes. SO i say that i want to go with friends and to take youa s a date wouldn't be fair to you because i couldn't give you the attention i should give a date... how's that? pretty innnocent eh? lol
I go to the doctor tomorrow,.. I hate doctors...
Chris called me this past weekend and we talked for three hours... I drew a star on his leg when we were dating back nt he summer and he knew where i out it and fr his 18th birthday he got it tatooed on his leg right where i drew it, i kinda felt honored... Casie's doing fine witht he baby in all... lol i definately need to start looking for guys in another place other than the place im lookin in because they just aren't wworking, maybe i should club hop. lol
I know i say this in every entry but i can't wait to see New jersey! oh man a new State! FOr the first time, with certain reasns but did i tell you also that im going alone?! lol 18 is awesome!
to sum it up in a nutshell, get reayd for hearts day guys!
* Cuz you already run me over,
inspite of me,
And don't be alarmed if i fall,
head over feet
and don't be surprised if i love you,
For all that you are,
I couldn't help it,
it's all your fault!!*
Alantis Morrisette ( I so spelled her name wrong, but a sticky song for your head!) |
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| Expiration dates |
[Jan. 31st, 2005|09:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Breaking Ben | ] |
yo yo yo ya'll!! lol I have no idea where that came from
So yeah here's my life in a nut shell...me getting my vehicle on the what? the wqhat? the road? oh yeah this is me finally on the brink of getting a vehicle. I'm so excited and i opened a savings account to save up for an actual chick car but that will come with time, for now the truck is awesome, its something i will definately use in the summer!!! lol
So Easter is comin, and New Jersey is looking up... Life does go on ( even when you don't thinkt hat they are. :)
Malissa I love you your everywhere I swear, you made me cry with your reply and I miss you only 170 days until the bug day! I love you!!
I guess you losers don't know how to write back tot eh quiz... lol its okay
My sister in law its her birthday today and yeah my fish decided to celebrate..lol its so funny they reproduce so weird, they have these things comin out of them and then she like wipes it on a hard surface and then the male follows and does the same thing after she's doen, it's pretty cool to watch now that i think of it, not in a sick way or anything.
My scedule changed and I absolutely love my scedule except that i don't have lunch on b days anymore.. oh well it's all good... maybe it will be a good thing for 1 me 2 me and rach's bonding which i know will grow, I got my scedule to like spoon with hers so there will definately be the closeness we had before... And that totally kicks major ass!
my hair needs to grow... I can't do anything with it, and when i do, it definately takes more than 5 minutes... maybe i should wake up earlier...lol i dunno we'll see.
Well I've made a pact. Within myself to be a stronger person than I have been lately. I've been weak, from a boy ( eww lol) but it's okay, life goes on like I said before and like you said mal whatever doesn't breaks us makes us stronger.
my frog needs to be fed, i need to wash my hair and brush my teeth with whitening toothpaste...lol... i need toc all jacquie back. I need to make more money ,lol... i also have gained strength from my new years resolution, what is it you may ask? well here's how it goes!!! Patience... I had patience today sitting in a bank for a half hour more than i had too, and I was patient i didn't gett hat thing in your stomach that screams " go! Run! These people r so dumb i wanna leave!" Nope not me boy, i st there and wondered if there were anymore tootsie rools in my bankers "People feeder" lol oh boy!
I love you all and to all that read this... well just know i love you!!!
xoxoxoxo
Moi! |
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| what? another quiz? ( im so lame with these things) |
[Jan. 30th, 2005|06:15 pm] |
so like this one i oddly enough like also... check it out !!!
( its a sunday and im bored.) lol
1. Tell me something obvious about yourself?
* I trip over everything... i fall over everything and i stub my toe once a day at least.
2. Tell me something about you that many people don't know.
* I freak out making left hand turns at intersections, takin tests, and singing in front of people.
3. What's your biggest fear?
* Being alone ... i mean those old people who have no one... thats scares the shit out of me,
4. Do you normally go the safe route or take the short cut?
* Depends on my current mood
5. Name one thing that you can't buy with money?
* Here's TWO to chew on... love and freakin happiness bitches.
6. What's your most treasured possesion?
* my necklace i got in august i haven't worn it cuz im clumsy and i would break it.
7. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do often?
* i tend to think when things go wrong, everything is my fault. I guess im too hard on myself.
8. Tell me something sexually about you that most people don't know.
* I like it, but not for obvious reasons, i've elvolved into this person that loves the closeness and the bond before pleasure
9. Tell me something sexually about you that everyone knows
* i like it...lol
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
* i know what i'm gonna do when i get out of school
11. Name something you've done before that you can't wait to do again.
* belly flop!!!
12. Are you the jealous type?
* A little more than i would like to be...
13. What is the one person, place or thing you can't say no to?
* i dunno i can't say no to my mom, she'll punch me int he face..lol
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
* Throw food at my whole family and laugh
16. When was the last time you cried?
* Last night over a stupid boy.... ( grrr..)
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
* holding my real mom and knowing we had a bond and knowing everything was gonna be fine
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
* Probably not... my boobs r boobieful (lol) I dig my boobs not everyone needs to see the,... then i wouldn't dog them as much
19. Name one person you haven't met who you'd like to meet.
* The one I'm gonna marry and make crazy love ( poems) all night together...lol |
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| feeling like takin and replying to quizez! |
[Jan. 30th, 2005|06:13 pm] |
okay.. so yeah i like sitting around, reading about germany life, and replying to quizzes...which i have to admit rose my curiiousity, so when you have the time or to anyone else that reads this ( lol no one lol) reply back...:)
1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Have we ever had sex?
33. Do you miss me?
34. Do you think i miss you?
35. Are you going to put this on your LJ and see what I say about you? |
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| if you care, don't read this |
[Jan. 22nd, 2005|09:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
so its 9:00 on a saturday night. I haven't showered all day because i don't see apoint. I think I'm done with relationships for a while... they hurt too much
The person that this is about doesn't read my journal. I he did, he would know everything. He would know how I love his kisses and hugs and security every time i look in his eyes... He would know how I laugh in the inside when he makes that disgusted face or how good he makes me feel when we get a good laugh in...
But he doesn't.. His emotions are transparent and mine r bleeding from the walls. This is what happens when you cry for someone who doesn't cry for you... You hurt, your soul feels shattered and your heart feels transparent because you know from now on they'll have the strongest grip on it that it wont even be cool.
I dont know what im doing after high school, my best friend has Reueben whos such a great guy foir her when they're not fighting about the weather. im obviously going to be the thrid wheel for a while, which is cool i guess if you dont mind watching tv and wishing you had someone to hold...You have no idea how much i would die for a hug. My ex is happy, why can't i be? he's the druggie! Aaron doesn't want me,that blows.. mal, come home...now...lol dont shit on me like everything else is right now..
I'm sorry im being emotional... I'm sick of shit, im sick of everything right now, i want cheesecake and a kiss from someone who isn't afraid to FUCKING LOVE ME
'Oh no, I see
a spider web and it's me in the middle
so I twist and turn
Here I am in love in a bubble'
Coldplay
xoxo,
have an excellent night... life and love does go on
Melinda |
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| blah |
[Jan. 21st, 2005|05:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Coldplay- Parachute | ] |
Hey I would first like to say that life clows when one of first guys that you have feelings for doesn't work out., I can't stand it someitmes I'm tellin you. I know it has nothing to do with me but sometimes it gets really hard to be patient with the k id. We're broken up now basicly because he doesn't have emotion like me and thats exactly what i need lately.
He was the first guy thta i let in to everythign that was going oon in my life since JAmes. I know it sounds crazy but I realy care the kid. I love how he would got o bingo 3498674r days out of the year.and he plays chess... I dunno it wasn't meant to be.
On a better note i finally finshed one whole game of the alphabet game. Crazy yes i know but i feel it is definately an accomplishment.
Im so over rachels house pouinding the hel out of her keyboard to write to you now because this thing is retarded. Reubens over but its cool. I hope we can be close like before which i dont think we'lll have a problem pickking up where we left off..
I dont really feel good i felt like passing outr earlier and it was mad weird.From th en on ive been like yeah, i dont feel good.. But i have been cryong with the whole Aaron thing, but he acts like its cool... ( whatever) He needs to talk to someone... other than me... I love being there for him and im always up for listening but he really needs to talk to someone tyhat will help... Its okay because we've all been there.... But im not goping away from him thats for sure.
My grandmas gettin a cold so i cant go over tyhere because me myself have cold and i dont want her getting sick.
Thts it for bnow, malissa, th ank you so much for calling the other n ight i really did apprietate it :) love you guys like crazy
Ill talk to everyone later
Melinda |
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| the 12th of January |
[Jan. 12th, 2005|05:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cold Play | ] |
Oh my well what can I say? life blows when you get older...
I'm not expecting a sorrow party i just feel like typing out what has been running through my brain ever since the beginning of tiem it seems like.
James.. Great guy... soemtimes... Yeah he has been calling, yeah we have been talking to the wee hours of the night? does that freak you out? well it surely does me sometimes. James talks about us way back when... obviously we've both moved on ( well at least me) and he still is talking about the "good ol' times" and love and caring and why we fought and he finally came to the understand of what i was trying to do the first day of our relationship...change him into a newer and better kid. I wanted people to see what I saw instead of some crazy, asshole who does too many drugs... Unfortunately, yes, i did fail if you want to kow the truth. I tried too hard i guess i fell in love somewhere in that line or should I ssay felt something i never felt before. I'm not saying it was a mistake in anything because we did have good times but he hurt me. He hurt me where no one has ever hurt me before. i promised myself i would never hurt like he hurt me that night when he said he didn't feel anything but friendship.. I should've known. so i detached and went on to live my life...
Then this kid Aaron came along. He was absolutely amazing fitting together like jig saw pieces we laugh and joke and are the closest that i've ever been to a boy and it is completely awesome. I feel safe, i feel secure. I just don't know ever how he feels. I cried today. Because he didn't know if this was serious or not... so im some girl who loves every thing about him and eventually he's gonna want me to disappear n to never show my face anywhere. I keep on getting shit on.. even when i at least expected it. I guess i get to detach one more time before high school lets out eh? obviously i don't mean enough.
On top of that someone ask me again what im doing after high school? i wanna shave my head, buy a monkey and flee to paris. Not looking back and starting my whole life after it already crash and burned... this is the brink of my decay. i hate having emotion. you wann aknow what else i hate?
I hate waking up every morning knowing im going to school on an every day scedule. I hate not having Malissa right around the corner and i hate how me and rach aren't close enough to my comfort. I hate crying i hate cuddling with someone who closes me out. I hate my house i hate my weaknesses... I hate my fucking moms shouldres that send her crying whenever possible I hate my dads attitude from my mom.. I hate being here in my lonesome boredom. I hate school i hate my grandma getting old.. I hate everything!!! bUt i love everything that i have.
I love having my grandma to hold an kiss at any givin time. I love knowing that Malissa is going to come back, i love knowing that my mom will get better and my dad can be as happy as he once was. I love spring i love the refreshment of emotion when i cry... and unfortunately, i have this feeling that i love to experience when im with Aaron. So ill wait to climb out of my hole. So ill wait for the monkey and my crimson colored sky to turn blue again.
Its been a while since i broke down and it doesn't happen as much as before.. Maybe im becoming stronger with shit in general. Becoming more grateful and less bitter seems to be me lately. which is good way to look at life... I just wish everything could go back to the summer breaks and the cigarettes. Late night dips in the pool and cuddling under the stars.
no one will ever take away my memories.
okay im done rambling,
love ya
melinda |
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| Merry freakin Christmas everyone |
[Dec. 21st, 2004|03:10 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A Perfect Circle | ] |
I haven't writtin in this thing forever, but I do believe I should start again. Well it is currently the 21st of decemeber and 9 days until the big 18... Scared shittless? needless to say.. There is so much stuff going on in my tiny little broian right now it's freakin unbelieveable. augh
The good news...- My hair.. I finally don't look like I am a dyke... Yes!!!! I mean don;'t get me wrong, I totally dog short hair... just not... thats short and that way cut... I thought it wold really cool to cut my hair like this girl I saw in this vampire movie so me and rachel and laurnen decided hey whats the worst that can ahppen eh? I looked like man ....for like 3 weeks.... augh, but it's all good, because my hair is growing back and yes!I am not cutting it anymore... I want it to be a long short,... If that makes sense..
I wrote this book in English class these past 2 weeks and my coloring sicks but the book, is cute i guess... I thought it was adorable how every one ryhmed there... I'm a writer, but I'm not a rhymer... if I even spelled it right. Ohw ell, I have to read it tomorrow because I am a wimp I chickened out on reading it today and yesturday...
Now for the hell wreck I put myself in...
Let's start with School, which is going good, and it's not all as hard as i thought it was going to be, but man I'll tell ya, it takes some thigns out of you... ex pecially when your trying to pass with a merit roll, and getting your credits but june...scary let me tell ya... This girl that I know doesn't feel like going to school ever and she's already a super senior, and she could graduate in january if she wanted to but she doesn't feel like going, so she deoesn't and now she has to start the whole semester over in January and graduate with my class.... Good call... ( not really)
Anyways, thats not really hell for me as much as driving and being home with awkwardness is...
Augh... Sunday me and Aaron.... augh, he's never coming to my house again... I'm not sure if he would want to anyways....
Moving on... I got in a car accident yestuirday after noon on my way to take my road final for my driving education course.... I thought me and dad were both goners and if freaked the hell out of me and to make matters worse, my mom was freakin, like she said I should be guilty and all this... no duh!!! She's being really dumb about the whole th ing... Really.. my dad though is cooler and we talked things out, everyones fine and I have to pay 200$ to my family when I get the mobey... so yeah... But I feeel really bad and I think I need a counseler again, because I freaked out today at my mom and I haven't done that since I was 12 which was right before I started going to a counseler. I dunno but it was scary because I flipped out throwing stiff yelling on the top of my lungs, it was really bad and I like blanked out... it was crazy.... but yeah... I think once I start writing in this again I can be okay with things because writing is a release hardcore....
ames so has been calling me...lo get that out eh? Im sleeping its 3 in the mornig and my phone rings so I answer it and its my friends boyfriend tellin me that he's stalking me and all this other shit i knew itw as him anyway he was talkig to me and then I said soemthing like ya okay, good luck with that and I hung up... Welll like 3 seconds later James calls me and he's apoligizing hardcore and I'm thinkin no bog deal and then he said he still wants to be friends with me and he still wants to talk I think that umm he was so excusing it but I dunno it was kinda nice because I hated that awkwardness you know? I dunno so I guess we're talkign againand he called me again last night to talk about Saturday again ( cuz he couldn't find any other excuse lol just playin) and we chewed the fat for a while and it was awesome... I mean I am willing to be friends with anybody and I am a very forgiving person, I have Aaron. I am happy, if he wants to start talking thats cool, I don't mind...
Hey Malissa I miss you dollface... It;'s snowing here.... a ha.... I don't know why I am saying a ha I gotta shovel the shit...lol I love you
And Rachel hey I love you too of course... No bashing this time lol just playin.
Umm lets see my dad just got out of sergury a little bit ago and he is doin okay I guess, he stopped bleeding which is always a good thing
My real mom... she's so awesome... I called her as soon as I got home from everywhere and where eveyrthing took place and we talked and I felt better... Her presents are coming son for me,. she always gets me awesome stuff..lol
Aaron, ( Like i can go one entery without saying anything about him right?) he's cool, he thinks I'm amazing... I love that kid,....:) But yeah things are great really they are... He was there for me when I needed him and it was different... but it was nice for once to have someone there right on the spot to talk to and have someone laugh when you feel like the biggest pile of shit... Yeah I have been freaked out about it whenever I get in a car or bus or whatever but I think thats normal... I hope it's normal....
Other than that I guess alot can happen in a couple days but I am moe aware about like life in general..lol I have a hole in my pants and I'm still thawing out from the cold I chose to walk in for 3 hours with Aaron.. :)
Anyways i wish everyone a Merry freakin Christmas I love all of you who read this and I h ope you hear from me soon like tomorrow or something i probably will be saying merry chroistmas for the next 2 or 3 days whenever that date comes up lol
To a Young Poet
Time cannot break the bird's wing from the bird.
Bird and wing together
Go down, One feather.
No thing that ever flew,
Not the lark, not you
Can die like others do.
Ta Ta for now my tadpoles
xoxoxoxoxo
Melinda |
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| yeah It's surely been a while |
[Nov. 21st, 2004|05:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mewithoutyou | ] |
blah... Senior year... I guess it's cool until you come to the conclusion that the people that your used to seeing everyday isn't going to be there anymore.. that kinda bumms me out. But you know, it's okay, because the people that are supposed to be in your life, will always show up no matter what.
Christmas, 39 days til the big 1 8. I'm excited, rachel wants me to spend the night at her place on New Years, cool I guess, but will she choose Reuben over her best friend once again? It has been bothering me, actually alot of stuff has been bothering me lately. But when did Reuben become her best friend? She never calls me anymore, never wants to hang out, never wants to be near me when Reuebns around, its like i just lost a best friend and I've been too caught up in the fog of their relationship to notice it. Either way, I'm just gonna let her go, I've tried telling her how i feel and she says she needs to change, but thats tought shit when she continues to do the same things everyday.
Another thing. Malissa. When you read this, when you called me on Saturday I just wanted to hold you..( I mean that in a non biosexual way lol) I feel the same way you do about a lot of things and i just miss everything that we used to do and I feel like it's eating away at me everyday. I kow it's because i miss you, but i just wish i could be in GErmany so we could be just as close as we were before you left.. I hate having to tell you everything that happened in two weeks in a 20 minute range.. But at leats its something... oh ( and you sound sexy talking in German...lol) Yes i did cry and yes i was at Aarons when i did, which made me feel bad but this week was a bad apple.. next week, we'll both be stronger, :)
Did I mention Easter Break is after christmas and my real mom wants me there... and i kinda wanna go this time... I'm not even lying this time... I think i'm ready to see what that sceneries all about. It would be an awesome experience, and oh man! yeah, and my uncle wants to build this restaurant in Arizona i think and it would be family owned, oh man! I'm so goign to work there... ( maybe)
I really do like Aaron a lot. I really don't know what to say, all i know as i wanna keep this insanely awesome,loving,caring,and romantic guy around for a while... He treats me better than anyone of my boyfriends ever came close too... We painted these Lizards and suns in his room this weekend, and i wanted to put a purple sun above his bed ( mayjor symbolism,) but he doesn't get it (lol) Well here's how it goes, if confused everyone reading this ( a majoriy of maybe two..anywho) I did that only purple sun to symbolize him in general. The way he makes me feel is very unique just like the purple sun. It's also above his bed which means that in a sense he's still thought of and dreamt about even when hes sleeping. in the past, I felt very strong on a certain person and i lost him, he lost me, and i got hurt...bad. I promised myself i would never get hurt like that again. he's gone and out of my life and actually i want to run him over with something, but yeah lets stop talking about that wasteless piece of flesh.) But Aaron's different, I actually mean soemthing to him,and my thoguhts matter, and vis versa, I never had that before ( I thought i had it but it's amazing how your mind makes you believe things that aren't true. I realize this now) But Aaron oh my, I am very happy to have him :)
Concerts are awesome, i want to go to more... more .. more..more!!! Because its been forever since i have bee to one and i went on tuesday to see Mewithouyou and it was the first concert where i didn't smoke, drink, or even smoke smokes...and it was awesome.. i actually got the jist of the concert instead of talking about the morning after..lol..
I know its a long one, but hey, like I said before, 'yeah, it's surely been a while'
xoxoxoxo,
melinda |
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| Happy Halloween!!! |
[Oct. 29th, 2004|07:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
Happy Halloween to all those that read this... Actually I should write ahppy Haloween on Sunday, but eh? ya know. I am sitting here definately dressed like a slut. lol Actually I'm a school girl...lol oh well.
To Malissa, Happy Haloween I miss you!!!
I'm reading Catcher in The Rye and it's an awesome book! I didn't think I would ever read anything that I would like, expecially coming out of school's chose in books. You know what I'm talkin about. The books abou tthe jungle and getting lost and eating people looses your sense of interest after a while.
Needless to say, I am going to a haunted House with my rents tonight. Yay! I wish i could make it to Jazz band, but I'll try to be there another time.
Resting here with a fire engine on my hand, ( that i applied with spit) I'm realizing this is going to be an excellent day!
So how are all of you guys tonight?
Have you ever had one of those nights where you just want to go home and get naked, not walking around naked, but take off your days clothes, put a robe on and put a face mask on? After that, start the bathtub with lots of awesomely huge bubbles, and cuddle with the water until the water looses its warmth and your sick of reading your book. With comfy pjs and a nice big cup of hot choclate, your night is definately complete. I love those n ights
Maybe on Sunday I'mm get extra large clothes and sew a stuffed dog to my butt crack and carry around a sign that says "Lost Dog" oh man that was be funny..lol
I'm definately out
xoxoxo,
Melinda |
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